


I'm In Too Deep

by Civilbloodoncivilhands



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: M/M, soft angst and then fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 19:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19341097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Civilbloodoncivilhands/pseuds/Civilbloodoncivilhands
Summary: What happened after Cyrus saw TJ and Kira on the swings. As we all know there is going to be a bench scene (!) but here's what would happen if these two gay idiots were able to figure things out a little sooner





	I'm In Too Deep

TJ Kippen was currently regretting every single life decision he’d ever made including, but definitely not limited to, acknowledging Kira when she first introduced herself to him. Sure she was fun to shoot hoops with and she was a really good basketball player, but hanging out with her never felt anywhere near as nice as hanging out with Cyrus. Who he could no longer hang out with because he was spending too much time hanging out with Kira. How did TJ ever get to the point in his life where he decided that trading a really good thing for a mediocre thing was the right decision?

But then again TJ had always had a knack for ruining the good things in his life. Like right now. The swings were his and Cyrus’s special place. The place where they could tell each other anything without worrying about being judged, or just swing in silence if that’s what the situation required. It was the place where he first got to know Cyrus and finally felt safe enough to open up about his stuff, and the place that he kept returning to after Reed and the gun incident when he almost thought he had lost Cyrus for good. It was the place where TJ had thought about coming out to Cyrus many many times, but where he also always chickened out because, although TJ was getting better at opening up, he was never one for jumping into the deep end.

And now, for some reason, Kira was trying to take this away from him too. He wasn’t stupid. He knew Kira didn’t like Cyrus and he also knew that, somehow, she had figured out TJ had feelings for the boy. He knew she was manipulating him just to try and get on the basketball team (which TJ didn’t really have any say over in the first place) and he knew that, no matter how wrong her actions were, Kira wasn’t really trying to hurt him personally, just get back at Buffy no matter the cost. But still. TJ couldn’t help but feel a mass of sickness fill his stomach anytime Kira looked at him and Cyrus with her eyebrows raised and a smirk permanently glued to her face as if, should he slip up or say something to upset her, she’d tell everyone his biggest secret.

And so he did anything she wanted. He didn’t like it, but it was fine most of the time if he let himself go numb and just moved his limbs wherever Kira wanted him to go. Which is why, against his better judgment, TJ found himself giving in to her dare and grabbing the cold metal chains of the swing, and kicking his feet off the ground already going higher than she was. If he looked straight ahead and blocked his ears TJ could almost believe that this was normal. Cyrus was beside him and they were swinging together and no matter how heavy and suffocated TJ felt in his daily life he felt like he was free and flying up here. Almost like he might just maybe take that one giant leap into the deep end.

“That’s not fair,” Kira shouted, “Your legs are so much longer than mine.”

And just like that TJ was jolted back to reality, “Ha ha! Told ya!”

There really was no getting rid of this girl. No matter how hard TJ tried he couldn’t find a way to make this all go away, and to make things worse the sick feeling was back in his stomach except now it was starting to spread through his body, an icy, disgusting feeling squeezing his heart and filling his veins.

“I bet I can jump farther than you!” Again the betting. Why couldn’t Kira take a hint and just leave him alone?

“Oh you’re about to be wrong again,” TJ gloated, but it was more of an instinct to protect his pride than anything else. TJ couldn’t do this anymore. No matter how scared he was of Kira telling someone there was no way that could be any worse than the feeling of being controlled like a puppet. Always being told what he was supposed to feel and who he was supposed to hang out with and what he was supposed to do. TJ pumped his legs faster and faster until he could feel himself lifting off from the seat of the swing and the chains grew loose in his hands.

“1, 2, 3!” He launched himself off the swing, and could hear a bark of laughter as Kira did the same, and let his feet slam into the ground feeling the weight of the earth solid and steady beneath them. He turned to face Kira and took a deep breath, heart beating quick and fast inside his chest, “Look, you’re a really great basketball player and I’d like to have you on my team but that’s not something I can promise you.”

“You do realize I know things about you Kippen.” She stepped up incredibly close to his face and TJ felt the sickness squeeze into his lungs, his breathing growing shallow and constricted, “And if you don’t do what I say then I might just, you know, accidentally let something slip out. Maybe to the coach. Maybe to your teammates. Maybe to _Cyrus_.”

TJ almost caved, but then he glanced over to the swing that was still moving slightly after having been used so violently as a human catapult. No. The swings were their special place. It was his place to be brave and he wasn’t going to give in now, “Fine. Do what you want Kira. I don’t care anymore.”

He turned on his heel and started to walk away from her, the sick feeling leaving his body with every step. He heard Kira calling after him and he almost turned back around to look at her, but decided against it. He wanted this moment to feel good and looking back at Kira definitely would not make him feel better.

* * *

 

Later that day TJ was laying on his bed mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, and feeling lighter than he had in weeks, when he came across a picture of Jonah Beck wearing a shirt that looked startingly familiar. He opened his most recent conversation with Cyrus and scrolled up to the picture of the shirt Cyrus had promised to give to him. It was the same shirt. The exact same shirt. TJ was suddenly filled with an overwhelming sense of rage, his vision blurring and his face getting hot. He didn’t even know why it mattered so much to him that Cyrus had decided to give the shirt to Jonah Beck rather than him, it wasn’t like TJ couldn’t get other, nicer shirts from other, nicer stores, but still TJ couldn’t shake the feeling of really really wanting to punch something. So he did.

The trophies he had strewn across the shelf came raining down onto his bed from the brute force of his fist making contact with the wall, along with a crate filled with some of his favourite records. They crashed off the bed and onto the floor spilling everywhere and TJ screamed in frustration. First the shirt, now his records. Why did TJ always have to ruin everything important in his life?! He picked up the record closest to him and inspected it for damage. Genesis’s album _Invisible Touch._

It was one he had found himself listening to more and more as Cyrus started to distance himself – the fourth track especially – and TJ couldn’t help but feel a pang of hurt and longing wash over him as he placed it carefully back in its sleeve and held it close to his chest. Maybe he couldn’t have the shirt, and maybe he couldn’t fix the half-dozen records that lay shattered on his floor, and maybe he couldn’t control how and who and when people knew his secret, but he could reach out to Cyrus and try to salvage their relationship before it became broken beyond repair.

* * *

 

_Okay,_ TJ told himself standing on the large porch outside Cyrus’s mother’s house, _you’re going to politely ask Cyrus why he even offered to give you the shirt in the first place if he was just going to turn around and give it away to Jonah Beck of all people, and you’re going to be calm and collected and not get angry or unreasonable or anything at all and it will all be okay. Okay?_

TJ straightened up and knocked quickly against the door, but once it opened and TJ saw Cyrus standing there all that came out of his mouth was:

“Jonah Beck?!”

“Excuse me?” Cyrus had a confused look on his face like he had absolutely no idea what TJ was talking about which, in all honesty, was pretty fair.

“You gave my shirt away to _Jonah freaking Beck?!_ ”

“Well you took Kira to our special place TJ!” Oh. The sick feeling was back, but this time it felt more like guilt than fear. TJ’s anger left him as quickly as it had come, and he looked down at the floor in shame, shuffling awkwardly from one foot to the other.

“How could you do that?! I thought at least that would mean something to you!” Cyrus’s voice started to crack and oh no. No no no no no. TJ could not be responsible for making Cyrus cry. He had to do something. He had to fix this.

“Hey Cyrus listen please. I didn’t want to. I _really_ didn’t want to go on the swings with Kira. We were supposed to be going to feed the ducks. We had bread crumbs and everything which I mean, you’re not even supposed to _feed_ bread crumbs to ducks so it’s probably a good thing that we didn’t end up doing that. I don’t really want duck-murderer added to my long list of mistakes – except that killing a duck probably wouldn’t even make me feel half as bad as I feel right now. Which is really really bad – how I feel is really really bad, not the duck thing. I mean the duck thing is bad, but it’s not what I’m talking about, and I’m also really really sorry Cyrus. For the swings and for costume day and for everything. Kira she… knew something about me…about my stuff, that I didn’t feel ready to tell anyone and I tried so hard to keep it a secret but I was just…too obvious or too stupid or – ”

“TJ!” TJ could feel his eyes starting to burn with tears that almost spilled over onto the welcome mat under his feet, but he looked up when Cyrus called his name.

“ _Never_ call yourself stupid. Oblivious, selfish, intimidating yeah. But _never_ stupid.”

And oh.

Cyrus might be mad at him, the maddest he had ever been, but he still took the time to remind TJ that he was special and important and that nothing was wrong with him, and TJ didn’t think he had ever loved anyone more than he loved Cyrus.

_Play it cool Kippen._ Said his brain.

“I’M VERY GAY!” Said his mouth.

“Sorry… what?” Said Cyrus’s.

TJ mentally banged his head against the wall. Repeatedly. Very hard.

“I’m gay. And… and Kira knew somehow. She threatened to tell everyone if I didn’t do a costume with her and if I didn’t hang out with her and if I didn’t try to get her a spot on the basketball team. At first it didn’t feel like such a big deal because she was only implying things and I thought I was reading too much into what she was saying but then she started… Saying things about my crush on y – on this… she started saying specific things that couldn’t possibly mean anything else and I was _scared_ Cyrus. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do! I’m so sorry Cyrus.”

TJ could feel his hands starting to shake and his eyes starting to water and he really really didn’t want to cry. Not right now. Not like this. He was just about to turn away when Cyrus pulled him into a bone-crushing hug and TJ could feel his heart start to beat wildly in his chest as if it wanted to burst right out of his ribcage and start humming Frank Sinatra ballads. But despite the anxiety he felt at being physically closer to Cyrus than he had ever been in his entire life, TJ could feel a warm, loving feeling flowing through his body, from his head to his toes. Cyrus’s arms felt like safety. TJ didn’t need the swings anymore. He buried his head in Cyrus’s shoulder, having to bend down a little to reach, but not caring, and breathed in Cyrus’s scent. Off-brand detergent and peach shampoo and so so safe.

“I’m so proud of you TJ.” Cyrus whispered gently in his ear and TJ finally let the tears fall. He hugged Cyrus even tighter and took a couple of deep, shaky breaths. Okay. Time to jump into the deep end.

“I like you Underdog.” TJ whispered back, and then he quickly pulled away from their hug immediately missing the warmth it had given him, “The way that you thought I liked Kira. And I’m really sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I promise that I won’t overstep any boundaries you want to put down and I really really hope we can still be friends.”

Cyrus stood there on the doorstep looking even more lost than he had when he’d opened it the first time and TJ stepped backwards reluctantly after he didn’t respond, smiling sadly, “I understand if you need time to –”

Cyrus jerked forward abruptly, it seemed almost involuntary, and placed a soft kiss against TJ’s cheek. “I’m good with being friends as long as we can be friends who do things like that.” He smiled at TJ a little sheepishly his cheeks tinged a slight shade of pink and TJ felt a warm golden feeling flow into his stomach. Yeah, this was better than hanging out with Kira.

“Sure,” TJ grinned down at Cyrus unable to keep the happiness from spreading over his face and into his eyes, “We can do that.” He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on the tip of Cyrus’s nose then pulled back slightly and rested his forehead softly against Cyrus’s. Yeah. This was so much better.

**Author's Note:**

> The song that TJ is listening to on repeat is Genesis's In Too Deep which, honestly, was not the inspiration for the title and which I only found after looking up lyrics for songs that are called In Too Deep but it's incredibly gentle and sweet and sad and I highly suggest giving it a listen. Also I'm thinking about maybe writing a version of how I think the bench scene will go so let me know if y'all'd be interested in that :) Thank you for reading darlings and I hope you have a wonderful night/day!


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